If I Didn't Care Read online

  “About your relationship.” Come on, read between the lines. Don’t make me say it and spoil this.

  “You mean the kind of conversation that often takes place at the nicest restaurant in town? Where he apologizes for working too much and being distant and says he wants to make our relationship a priority? That kind of conversation?”

  Oh God. Had she really called and interrupted his proposal? Autumn closed her eyes for a moment and cursed her crap timing. “How far did he get?”

  “Far enough to pull out the box and make it clear we both thought we were having a very different conversation.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I thought he was proposing. He thought he was digging himself out of the dog house.”

  That made no sense. “But…I thought he bought you an engagement ring.”

  “Oh no. That would’ve indicated we were on the same page.” She crossed her arms. “He gave me the dozen yellow roses of bracelets.”

  “The what?”

  Mary Alice held up a finger and disappeared down the hall. A few moments later, she came back with a long jewelry case. Flipping open the top, she handed it over.

  Autumn stared at the simple, unadorned twist of silver and gold. It wasn’t ugly, exactly, but there was nothing personal about it. “That’s…wow. I knew he didn’t do jewelry but, damn.” Did the man know nothing?

  “I’d thought maybe you helped him pick it out.”

  Autumn handed the box back. “If he’d solicited my opinion, I’d have steered him in a direction that wasn’t going to piss you off.”

  Mary Alice studied Autumn as if she were a puzzle that made no sense. “You would have, wouldn’t you?” She shook her head with a wry smile. “I really wanted to hate you. I wanted to put this all on your head. All his other girlfriends did. But you really do try just to be a friend to him.”

  “It would be shitty of me to be anything else.”

  “But you love him.”

  It didn’t surprise Autumn that Mary Alice knew it. Probably everyone in town knew it except for Judd himself. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I want him to be happy.” Even if it’s with someone who isn’t me.

  She picked up the wine again, giving Autumn a long look over the rim of the glass. “You really want Judd to be happy? Go after him yourself.”

  Autumn stared at her, so taken aback she could only sputter, “Excuse me?”

  “Oh don’t look at me like that. You’re both selling yourselves short if either of you ever thinks you’re going to be happy with anybody else. No one else could ever compete with the bond between you.”

  She’d thought so herself for years, but hearing it so plainly stated by someone she knew loved him left Autumn feeling off balance.

  “I don’t know what his reasons are for not crossing that line with you, but I think it’s time you pushed him over it. If you don’t, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

  “Why are you doing this?” Autumn asked.

  She polished off the wine. “Because I love him, too, and I want him to be happy. You’ll make him happy and whole in a way I never could.”

  It seemed there was nothing left to say. “I should go.”

  Mary Alice walked her to the door. “It’s probably best if you don’t mention this conversation with Judd.”

  “No arguments there.” Autumn stepped back out into the cooling night. “For what it’s worth, I really am sorry about the bracelet.”

  “Eh, I’ll pawn it and put the money toward something fun. Maybe a weekend out of town with my girlfriends.”

  “I wish you all the best.”

  “I believe you mean that. So thanks. And I’ll wish you good luck. Judd’s a stubborn man. You’re going to need it.”

  Chapter 9

  By the time Judd got home, Autumn was sound asleep, curled up in her own bed with Boudreaux. She’d had two incredibly rough days and the skin beneath her eyes looked bruised. So he pushed the questions he needed to ask off until morning. He slept poorly, one ear cocked for any signs of distress from her room. But no screams dragged him from sleep. When he woke in the gray light of dawn, he didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed.

  Her room was empty, the bed neatly made, the suitcases stacked in a corner. Maybe she hadn’t spent as easy a night as he’d thought. Downstairs he found half a pot of coffee on the burner, but no Autumn. He called her name but got no answer. The house had that quiet, empty feeling that told him he was completely alone. A quick spurt of adrenaline wiped away the last vestiges of sleep as he bolted for the window. But her car was still here. So where the hell was she? Had she taken Boudreaux for a walk?

  Stepping out onto the screened in porch, he looked toward Hope Springs and saw them both at the end of his little pier. The dog sat beside her, a resolute guardian as they looked out over the miles of water. On the heels of relief, his first thought was the danger of her open position. He started to call out to her to come back, then stopped himself. What the hell was he thinking? Jebediah was hardly going to lay in wait and snipe at her at 6:30 in the morning. If Judd acted on every slim possibility of danger, he’d destroy whatever feeling of safety she had here. He didn’t want that. Checking his own instincts, he went back inside to pour a cup of coffee before walking out and joining her.

  “Been up long?” he asked.

  Boudreaux’s tail made a steady thump against the leg of her Adirondack chair. Judd scratched him between the ears.

  “A while. I forgot how beautiful the sunrises are out here.”

  A thin mist lay along the surface of the water and the chill air made Judd wish he’d stopped for more than just his jeans. Autumn had stolen one of his WPD sweatshirts. It made her look small and fragile. Judd had the urge to sit in the other chair and pull her into his lap. But, of course, he did nothing of the sort.

  “What did the fire marshal find?”

  Right into it then. “A puzzle.” He sat, sipping at the coffee. “Seems whoever broke in felt the need to leave some graffiti before he set fire to the place. Most of the wall was burned but a little bit survived. From what Charlie can tell, our perp may have hauled in the garden hose and sprayed down the wall to make sure this survived.”

  “What kind of graffiti?”

  “A message, I guess. The only part left says ‘know you rumor.’ Is there some gossip flying around I don’t know about?” He’d said it flippantly, but realized she’d gone very still.

  “Rumor. You’re certain?”

  “Positive. That mean something to you?” She’d gone pale, so obviously it did.

  “How could he possibly have found out? I was careful.”

  A sick feeling set up in his gut. “Careful about what?”

  She closed her eyes, wincing. “I never wanted you to know about it.”

  “Know about what, Autumn?” He knew he was pulling out his no-nonsense cop voice but couldn’t seem to dial it back.

  “You’ve been wondering how I’ve been supporting myself with my hours cut back so far at the library. You haven’t asked, but you’re not stupid. You know I haven’t been making enough off the pools at Dinner Belles to truly balance it out.”

  Dear God, had she gotten into something illegal? “Have you been gambling?”

  She snorted out a laugh. “No. Nothing illegal. I’ve been writing.”

  “Writing what?”

  “Novels. I started self publishing them nearly a year ago and they’re doing pretty well.”

  Whatever he’d expected, it wasn’t that. Some of the tension eased. “Why wouldn’t you want me to know about that? I think it’s great that you’re doing something you like and making a success of it.”

  “Because of what I’m writing.”

  “What, are you gonna tell me you’re writing those drug store novels with the women ripping the men’s shirts off?” He had to laugh.

  He glanced at Autumn, caught the look on her face, and sobered immediately. Oh, crap.

&nb
sp; “Um…” he cleared his throat and tried to salvage. “So the half-naked men books. That’s…” Great? Interesting? Nice? “And it’s going well?”

  She huffed out a breath. “There are no half-naked men on my covers, but yes, it is romance. Romantic suspense. So…like if we went to see an action movie, but the romance part of the plot—you know, the part that I like—was the main part of the story.”

  Huh. Chick-Action. Okay… “Help me out, Firefly, because you look like Jimmy Newman when I have to go haul his butt in after a three-day bender. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, you’re doing something you like, right? And you’re doing well with it? So I’m happy for you.”

  “Thanks.” She said it grudgingly, like maybe she didn’t want his support in this.

  What was that about?

  “I’m just surprised this is the first I’m hearing about it. An author in town is something people like to talk about. I’d think Reed would have you signing books over at Inglenook and everyone making a fuss.”

  “It’s not that glamorous. And also, no one knows because I write under a pen name.”

  “Oh.”

  “Because of the sex.”

  “Oh.”

  “See, it’s erotic romantic suspense. There’s…a lot of sex.” Her eyes snapped to his and her finger got all up in his face. “If you ask whether that’s like women’s porn, I’m going to hit you. It’s not.”

  He held up his hands in peace. “I didn’t say anything.” But he was thinking plenty.

  Autumn wasn’t repressed. She’d had adult relationships, same as he had. But it was one of the rare things they never discussed. Knowing she’d written books with that kind of explicit content made him wonder exactly what was in her head. Were those scenes purely made up for the story or were they fantasies of hers? What would it be like to see that side of her?

  You need to stay the hell away from that side of her.

  Pulling his mind out of the gutter, he circled back to the topic at hand. “What does this have to do with the case?”

  “Because I’ve kept this all very hush hush. I did everything under a pseudonym. Rumor Fairchild. I didn’t want anyone to know. I haven’t told a soul except Riley and Livia. That was only last week, and they were both sworn to secrecy.”

  “So you think whoever torched your place knows your secret identity, as it were?”

  She shrugged. “I can’t think of anything else that message could mean. I don’t know how he could’ve found out about it, but the subject matter of these books is exactly the kind of thing my father would’ve punished me for. He’d have used it as evidence of my sin and my wanton, willful ways.” She gave a humorless laugh. “Maybe that’s part of why I picked it. Because it was another way to give him the finger.”

  Judd clenched the mug until his knuckles went white. He’d seen the results of her father’s form of punishment. The man had a gift for beatings that left no permanent scar. Judd would bring hell itself down on Jebediah’s head before letting him lay a finger on her again.

  He breathed out the rage, forcing himself to focus on the problem at hand. “Why didn’t you want anyone to know?”

  “We live in the buckle of the Bible Belt, Judd. Do you really think the conservative pearl clutchers of this town would just live and let live if they knew I was writing so-called ‘dirty books’? I’d be considered amoral and inappropriate, and I guarantee there’d be a contingent after my job because they didn’t want me interacting with their children.”

  “Point taken. But you self published, right? How many copies could you have sold?” He couldn’t imagine more than a few hundred copies without the support of a publishing company behind it.

  “I made the first book free when I published the second one. There have been over 180,000 downloads.”

  Judd blinked. “Wow. How does that translate into actual income?” It wasn’t necessarily relevant to the case, but he was curious.

  “A bit more than half my annual salary. If I continue to build my fanbase, I could make a legitimate living at this without being at the mercy of Mitzi or grant-writing or anyone else.”

  “That’s fantastic. Truly. And I’m sorry your dad has managed to dim that for you.”

  “Yeah, well. Story of my life.” She unfolded her knees. “I don’t know how or even if this knowledge helps the case. But I figure you’re going to have to tell the rest of the department.”

  “Yeah. I’ll need you to come in and talk to everybody.”

  “Fine. I…Are people going to have to read them? The books?” She obviously wasn’t comfortable with that. And given her prediction about how the locals might take the news, he couldn’t blame her.

  “Listen, I can put a gag order on everybody. Keep the details under wraps for the sake of the investigation. We’ll do everything we can to keep your pen name a secret.”

  “Thanks.” Though she clearly didn’t feel any better.

  Picking up her empty mug, she stood. “Can I come on in this morning? I’d like to get it over with.”

  “Sure.” Judd caught her hand as she moved by him. “Hey. We’re going to get him, okay? I swear it.”

  “I know.” She stroked a hand over his cheek, her expression inscrutable.

  Judd turned his cheek into the touch, enjoying the rasp of her palm over his morning stubble. He wanted to grab her hand, press a kiss to its center. And that was craziness because he couldn’t go there with her. No matter how much he wanted to.

  “I’m gonna go get ready.”

  “I’ll be in after I finish my coffee.” And get my head screwed on straight.

  ~*~

  Dread settled in Autumn’s gut and made her want to curl into a ball and hide. She’d spent an hour going over her online presence with the Wishful PD and answering questions about her other persona. Most of them did a pretty good job remaining professional, at least so long as Judd was in the room, though she had noticed some smirks at the subject matter. That was to be expected. But God. Her books were going to be read by people who knew her. Who knew Judd. More importantly, Judd himself would read them.

  It was a disaster in the making.

  Despite the constant stream of patrons, the morning crawled by. People had heard she was back at work and all the Lookie Lous wanted to come by and get the scoop on what was going on. Many expressed their sincere condolences, which Autumn appreciated, but more than a few just wanted an in on the investigation. Every new face wound her up tighter. She kept waiting for someone to ask about her father. So far, his release had been kept out of the media, but it was only a matter of time before someone saw him and word got out.

  The reporters would come. How could they not? The original story had been so juicy, so sensational, and the day he was released, her house was burned to the ground? They’d spin the whole thing as a revenge plot—which wasn’t outside the realm of possibility. And if her alter ego came out, the press would have a field day Romeo and Julieting Judd and her as they had fourteen years before. If they hadn’t so heavily played that angle, would he have reconsidered wanting to be with her before now?

  “Okay, come on. You’ve got a thundercloud over your head,” Livia said, looping an arm through hers. “We’re going to lunch with Riley, and you’re going to vent or dish or whatever you need instead of bottling everything up.”

  Autumn balked. “I don’t want to be in public.” It felt too much like everyone was staring at her.

  “She’s grabbing take out from Dinner Belles and meeting us at Molly’s.” After the fire, while Liam finished rehabbing the house he and Riley would share, she’d moved in with him at his mom’s. Since Molly was Riley’s partner in the pharmacy, she’d be on duty while Riley was out, which meant they should be alone.

  “Okay.”

  As soon as they stepped into the house, Riley wrapped Autumn in a tight hug. “How are you holding up?”

  “I’m making it. What about you?”

  “I’m fine. I’ll be doing laundry u
ntil the end of time, hand washing anything that can be washed, and buying stock in Febreeze, but miraculously most of my stuff is fine. Liam hated that sofa anyway.”

  Tears welled up again as a fresh wave of guilt crashed over her. “I’m so sorry, Riley.”

  “This wasn’t your fault. Is it true what they’re saying? That it was arson?”

  “Yeah.”

  “My God. Who would do something like this?” Livia demanded.

  “Well, Jebediah did just get out of prison,” Riley offered.

  “He has an alibi for when the fire was set, but here’s the thing. Whoever did this knows about Rumor.”

  “Sit and tell us all,” Livia ordered.

  Over a burger she barely touched, Autumn gave them the update. “I had to tell Judd about my pen name, the books.”

  “Did you tell him what they were about?” Riley wanted to know.

  “Only that they’re romantic suspense.”

  “Was he an ass about the fact that they’re romance?” Livia asked, eyes narrowed.

  “No. I mean, he obviously didn’t have a clue what to ask because—guy—but he really wanted to be supportive. He said he wants to read them.”

  “Aw, that’s so sweet,” Riley said.

  Autumn just stared at her. “Think about what you’re saying. Even if they weren’t…what they are…I’d still feel weird about him reading my work. It’s not like y’all reading it. Y’all are romance lovers. You’re my target demographic. He’s so… not.”

  “They’re great books,” Livia defended.

  “I blew through them both in two days,” Riley agreed. “Liam totally benefited from the smexy.”

  Another quick spurt of panic shot through Autumn. “You didn’t tell him, did you?”

  “Of course not. You asked me not to.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s just…the entire police department will be combing over the books, my social media, and newsletter, trying to find a connection. Judd’s put a gag order on them, but I just know the secret is going to leak out about them. And beyond that, if he didn’t already, Judd’s going to know how I feel. I poured all of it in the books.”

  Autumn scrubbed both hands over her face. “Maybe it’s not that bad. I’m too close to it. Maybe it’s not as obvious as I think it is.” She looked to her friends. “Y’all are more objective than I am. What do you think?”