If I Didn't Care Read online

  Birthday shopping without Autumn held absolutely no appeal. Who else was going to help him find the most embarrassing gifts for his brothers? So he blew off the rest of his carefully constructed list and headed for the offices of The Wishful Observer. Maybe his mom knew what was going on.

  She was just emerging from the conference room as Judd stepped into the newspaper. “Judd!”

  “Hey Mom.” He gave her a squeeze.

  “I wasn’t expecting to see you twice in two days. Where’s Autumn? Weren’t you two headed out to shop for the twins?”

  “We were but she bailed on me.”

  Patty frowned. “That’s not like her.”

  “I know. We had a bit of an incident.”

  Over another cup of coffee, Judd filled her in on Mark Caulfield and the flowers. “She tried to play it off like it was no big deal, but ten minutes later she outright lied to my face and left. She hasn’t missed this tradition in eighteen years.”

  “It’s been a long time since she got that rattled. Is something else going on?”

  “I was hoping you could tell me. I haven’t exactly been on the same wavelength as everybody else the last few weeks. Did something happen while I was working nights? Has she seemed off to you? Worried at all?”

  “No. I mean, you saw her at brunch yesterday. She was completely herself—irreverent as ever, teasing Leo and Eli.”

  “Not even concerned about being down to half hours at work?”

  “Not at all. Although, I admit that worries me some. It’s not as if head librarian was ever a job that paid big bucks that would’ve given her the chance to save much. But she insists she’s fine financially every time your father and I ask if we can help.”

  “You and I both know she won’t take financial help. We may all consider her part of the family, and she’ll accept everything that goes along with that until it comes to paying her own way.”

  After her mother split town and her father went to prison, there’d been no question that Autumn was moving in with them. She’d finished the last year and a half of high school living as an honorary Hamilton. He’d never understood why his parents didn’t just adopt her and formally make her the daughter she’d always been.

  “Do you think she’s really okay, money-wise?” his mom asked.

  “She’s been cleaning up on all the pools at Dinner Belles. Got a fat envelope at breakfast this morning for Tucker and Corinne. But I have a hard time imagining she’s making so much there that it’s really alleviating the strain.” Which left him wondering if she’d cut everything back to bare bones without telling him. Was that what today had been about? Was she finally going to ask for help? “I wish she’d just move out to Hope Springs with me and save on the rent money until she’s in a better place financially.”

  His mother arched a brow.

  “What’s wrong with that? She loves being able to look out over the lake.”

  “Well, apart from the fact that Autumn likes having her own space, I expect Mary Alice would take issue with it.”

  “How is it any different from my making Leo or Eli the same offer?”

  Even as she stared at him in disbelief, Judd told himself it wasn’t justified.

  “Because as much as we love her, Autumn isn’t your sister. The two of you are close in ways nobody else can possibly understand. That’s hard to compete with.”

  He and Autumn were bound by blood in ways so much thicker than family. The truth was, he’d never had a girlfriend who wasn’t threatened by their relationship. But there was no reason for it. Things weren’t romantic between him and Autumn. They never had been and never could be.

  “Mary Alice gets along with Autumn just fine.”

  “Or she’s too hung up on you to say otherwise for fear you’ll dump her.”

  “I wouldn’t do that.”

  She looked askance at him. “Really? If she put her foot down and gave you an ultimatum, her or Autumn, you’d be okay with that?”

  “You know I don’t do ultimatums. But I could certainly have a discussion about it like a rational guy to explain how things are.”

  The truth of it was that he had a responsibility to protect Autumn, so she’d always be a big part of his life. Any woman he was with had to be okay with that. And why shouldn’t she be? Autumn always went out of her way to be friendly and inclusive when he dated somebody. Well, except for one or two girls in college, but they’d been all wrong for him, so Judd wasn’t about to complain.

  Patty was still looking at him like he had a few screws loose. Before he could open his mouth to explain—or dig that hole any deeper—his cell rang. Checking the screen, he recognized the number for dispatch. “Hamilton.”

  “Judd where are you?” Inez Barlow, who’d served as both dispatch and admin for the department for nearly twenty years before he’d joined it, sounded rattled. And she was never rattled.

  Judd snapped into go mode. “At the paper. What’s wrong?”

  “You need to come in. It’s Chief Curry. He’s had a heart attack.”

  ~*~

  Dust boiled up behind two cars coming way too fast down the drive to Applewhite Farms. Autumn rose from the porch swing, shifting her death grip from the chain to the porch rail because her legs weren’t exactly stable. Well, she had said it was an emergency. She hadn’t told Livia or Riley of them why when she’d made the call. They’d both just made arrangements and dropped everything because she needed them.

  Because that’s what friends did.

  As a child from an abusive home in the wrong part of town, Autumn hadn’t made friends. Her fair skin was quick to bruise, so her father had mastered the art of leaving his marks where they wouldn’t show. She’d learned early not to trust, not to talk, to keep her head down and be invisible. She’d been exceptionally good at it. An obedient, terrified girl, always polite, never causing a problem that might make other adults look her way.

  So it had been Judd who’d intervened when a playground bully knocked her down. Six years old, he’d flown at the boy like some kind of avenging angel, all raven hair and blazing blue eyes. Afterward, he’d come to help her up, her body still aching from a fresh whipping. God, how many times had he run to her rescue over the years? Too many to count.

  But Autumn was beyond grateful that he was no longer the only one who would.

  Livia charged up the stairs, pale blonde hair still caught up in a princess tiara that said she’d come straight from storytime. “What’s wrong? And why are we meeting way out here? Not that I mind offering up my house,” she hastened to add.

  “Because I am a lousy liar, and if both of you showed up at my place, Judd would know something is wrong. And I just…can’t, right now.”

  Riley slid an arm around her shoulders. “Honey, what happened?” Her simple touch made Autumn want to crumple.

  “Fucking Mark.” Except, no, that wasn’t fair. This wasn’t Mark’s fault. He’d just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

  Livia cringed. “Oh God. He looked so cute and hopeful with his flowers and so disappointed when you weren’t working. I didn’t think it was a big deal that I told him where you were.”

  “He had either the best timing or the worst. I don’t know which. He stopped me from making a complete fool of myself.”

  “With Judd?” Riley asked gently.

  Autumn nodded once, feeling her throat start to constrict. “I was going to tell him.”

  Riley’s arm tightened. “Tell him what?”

  “Everything. That I’m in love with him. That I always have been. That I want to be with him. I was going to lay it all on the line.” She shook her head in futility as the tears spilled over. “God, I’m so stupid. I should never have paid attention to that letter.”

  “What letter?” Livia asked.

  There was no explaining it. Not without coming clean entirely. But why else had she called her friends? Wasn’t it time to tell someone the secret?

  “It’s a lot to explain.”
r />   “Then let’s go inside. We’ll make you some tea, and you can take your time.” Livia bundled her through the door, nudging her onto the sofa in the living room.

  Autumn hadn’t realized she was cold until Livia draped a throw around her shoulders. Nearly ninety degrees outside and she was freezing. Riley retrieved a box of tissues from the powder room, while Livia headed to the kitchen for tea duty. Autumn just sat, so thankful for the comfort of other women, she began to cry harder. She managed to get herself somewhat under control by the time Livia came in with a tea tray and a plate of cookies.

  As her friends arranged themselves on either side of her, she slipped off her shoes and curled her feet up beneath the throw. “Thank you.”

  Riley handed her a mug. “You take all the time you need, sweetie.”

  Autumn took a bracing breath. “Livia, get your laptop.”

  She brought it, tapping in the password and handing it over.

  “No one knows what I’m about to tell you both. And I want to keep it that way for reasons that will be rapidly apparent. Your word.”

  “Of course,” Riley said, eyes wide with suspense.

  “Cross my heart and may I never get another pedicure as long as I live.”

  Autumn rested her hands on the keyboard, her fingers drumming a light tattoo on the keys, though not hard enough to actually type anything. “Okay, so when they cut our hours at the library the first time, I was looking around for some alternative ways to bring in extra income.”

  “Sure. We both were,” said Livia.

  “The dissertation editing was enough to make me want to stab someone. I avoided going into academia for a reason. So I kind of did a thing. A potentially crazy thing, as an experiment. I didn’t actually expect anything to come of it.”

  “Have you been selling sex toys on the side?” Riley asked.

  Autumn blinked at her. “What?” she sputtered.

  “It was the first potentially crazy thing I could think of that you might do.”

  “I am not selling sex toys.” Although given the lengths she’d gone to in order to meet her own needs in that department, it might not be the worst idea in the world. “I wrote a book.”

  “I didn’t know you wrote!” Livia exclaimed.

  “I don’t. Didn’t. The book started out as therapy, way back in college. Something to exorcise my demons that I scrapped. No one was ever supposed to see it. There was too much thinly veiled reality and wish fulfillment in the original plot. It was just a vehicle for all my fantasies.” Of which she’d had plenty. “But with the boom in erotic romance since the whole 50 Shades thing, I thought I might as well pull it back out and see if I could do something with it. I decided to take the core concept and hone it into something…else. Erotic romantic suspense with a kick ass shero, who takes no shit and goes after what she wants. And I self-published it under a pseudonym.”

  As she brought up Amazon and typed in her pen name, Autumn felt more exposed than if she’d been standing naked on a table in front of a roomful of people. Was it too late to run away to Timbuktu?

  “Rumor Fairchild?” Riley asked, peering over her shoulder.

  “Yeah.”

  “Great name. Wait, how many books are there?”

  “Two so far. It’s a planned trilogy. People liked the first one and series do better, so I kept going.”

  She clicked on Forged in Blood to bring up the page.

  “I need to borrow that for a minute.” Livia yanked the laptop away. “Need to exercise my one-click buy finger.”

  It was both a thrill and a terror that someone she knew would be reading the book.

  “Holy crap,” Livia broke in. “This is doing really, really well.”

  No one had been more surprised about that than Autumn. “Yeah, it’s picked up since I released the second book and made the first one permanently free. Enough that I’ve been able to stay afloat and keep my apartment, even though we’re down to half-time hours. I’m about half-way through the third one. Income should get a nice boost when that’s out and there’s more there for sell-through.”

  “But this is all wonderful,” Riley said. “I don’t understand what this has to do with Judd.”

  “Cooper is obviously Judd, based on the book description,” Livia observed.

  “There’s that,” Autumn admitted. “The thing is, I started getting fan mail. Emails from these women who loved my heroine, loved the story. People who wanted to make their voices heard regarding which team they were on with the love triangle—in point of fact, absolutely no one thinks Darcy should end up with Fletcher. Everybody wants her to end up with Cooper.”

  “Well that’s consistent with real life. Everybody thinks you should end up with Judd,” Riley said.

  Except Judd.

  “Who’s Fletcher supposed to be?” Livia wanted to know.

  “Nobody in particular. He’s…the hypothetical kind of guy who looks perfect for me on paper.”

  “Who you don’t have feelings for, so of course he isn’t coming across as the one anybody should ’ship,” said Riley.

  “’Ship?” Livia asked.

  “And you call yourself a romance reader.” Riley shook her head. “’Ship, as in support two characters in a relationship. It is a necessary verb for all romance fans.”

  Autumn shrugged and began shredding one of the tissues. “Anyway, last week I got this email from a woman who read my books and really identified with Darcy’s situation. I don’t know what the backstory was—she didn’t say—but she was so inspired by Darcy that she took charge in her own life and went after this guy she’s been pining after for years. And it turned out he feels the same and they’re getting married in May. I’m invited to the wedding.”

  Riley put a hand over her heart. “Awww. That’s so sweet!”

  “It is. It’s so awesome. And I kept rereading this letter. I mean, here is this woman, this complete stranger, who’s braver than I am, who went after what she wanted and had it pay off in a big way. Darcy is supposed to be based on me. How can I keep writing books about her, if I’m not willing to do the same? To put myself out there?”

  “So you decided to tell Judd the truth,” Riley prompted.

  “I did.”

  “And Mark had the craptastic timing to interrupt,” Livia said. “Which sucks. But just because it didn’t work today, doesn’t mean you can’t try again.”

  “Yes it does.”

  “Why?”

  Another sob broke free. “Because Judd bought an engagement ring.”

  “Oh honey.” Riley tugged her close.

  “I bailed on him at Sanderson’s. I just couldn’t…”

  “Well, of course not!” Livia frowned. “But are you sure? Did he say that’s what he was buying?”

  Autumn sniffed. “No, but Judd doesn’t buy jewelery. Ever. He never has.”

  “Then maybe you’re wrong.”

  At the sound of an incoming text, Autumn pulled her phone out of her coat pocket. It was from Judd.

  Family meeting at Mom and Dad’s. 7 tonight. Got news.

  She handed the phone to Livia. “No, I’m not.”

  Livia swore.

  “And now I have to go over there and face him and Mary Alice and his entire family and pretend that I’m fine. That I’m happy for them. All because I’ve never been brave enough to say anything until it was too late. I don’t know if I’m that good an actress.”

  Riley stroked her hair. “I hate this. I can’t tell you how much I hate this. And I wish to God we could fix it for you.”

  “It helps that you’re both here. It helps that at least somebody knows now.”

  “Well, we can’t fix his stupidity. But we can get you ready for tonight,” Livia declared.

  “How’s that?” Autumn asked.

  “You’re going to finish having your cry. Then you’re going to guzzle some water and take some headache medicine and have a nap. And when you wake up, we’re going to whip out the Visine and some cucumber
slices to erase all the signs of your crying jag. After that, you’re going to go home and put on your bitch boots and redo your make up. Then you’re going to go over there and hold your head up high, because you are Autumn Freaking Buchanan, and you are awesome and if he doesn’t see that, then he’s an idiot you’re better off without.”

  Autumn flashed a watery smile because she knew it’s what Livia wanted. But as she took comfort from her friends, she couldn’t help but think that she was the idiot.

  Chapter 3

  Interim Chief of Police.

  The idea of it zinged around his brain like a pinball. Judd had been working for this position for years, but he’d never in a million years wanted to get it like this.

  The scent of antiseptic coated the back of his throat and made him twitchy. He fucking hated hospitals. It was all too easy to remember lying in that bed, seventeen years old, hooked up to machines and in agony as his body healed, knowing that taking that bullet hadn’t been enough, because the heart defect no one knew about had still nearly killed her. Autumn had lain in the next bed over, pale as death, with an uncertain prognosis after emergency heart surgery. He’d made so many deals with God, promising to do anything and everything necessary to protect her, if only she’d wake up again. Being back here, waiting for news on Chief Curry’s condition, brought back that same sense of impotent frustration, of being able to do nothing to help.

  He’d already been formally sworn in by the City Council. Whether Robert liked it or not, his retirement started today. But there were dozens of things Judd needed to talk to the other man about before he truly took the helm of Wishful PD. Given he’d already been here for six hours, that might not be happening today.

  “Hey, sweetie.”

  Judd looked up to find Mary Alice striding across the waiting room, a styrofoam box in hand.

  “I thought you could use something to eat.”

  He accepted the box and set it in the next chair so he could pull her in for a hug. Her arms wrapped tight around him, and he buried his face in her hair, letting the scent of her lavender shampoo block out the hospital smells that had him wanting to crawl out of his skin.